Fighting isn't the problem
Conflict is inevitable. Two people can't merge their lives without disagreement. The issue isn't that you fight — it's how you fight.
Couples who fight well actually report higher satisfaction. The skill is in repair, not avoidance.
The rules of fair fighting
- Attack the problem, not the person
- No name-calling, ever
- Stay on topic (don't bring up old issues)
- Use 'I feel...' instead of 'You always...'
- Take breaks if things get too heated (agree to come back)
- No fighting over text when emotions are high
- Listen to understand, not to win
- Acknowledge their point before making yours
- Avoid absolutes: 'always,' 'never'
- End with repair: an apology, a hug, a commitment
What to avoid
Research shows four behaviors that predict relationship failure (The Gottmans call them the 'Four Horsemen'):
- Criticism: Attacking their character, not the behavior
- Contempt: Eye-rolling, mockery, disgust
- Defensiveness: Denying responsibility, playing victim
- Stonewalling: Shutting down, refusing to engage
The repair conversation
After a fight, repair matters more than the fight itself. Here's a simple framework:
- I felt [emotion] when [specific moment]
- What I needed was [need]
- I'm sorry for [your part]
- Next time, can we try [solution]?
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it okay to go to bed angry?
Sometimes yes. If you're too heated to be productive, sleeping on it can help. Just commit to revisiting it.
What if only one person follows these rules?
Start anyway. Often one person modeling good behavior shifts the whole dynamic. If it doesn't, consider couples therapy.
Prevention is easier than repair
Amora's daily questions help you stay connected so small issues don't pile up into big fights. Stay curious, stay close.